How to give tough feedback

We've all heard the adage: "Feedback is a gift". But it sure doesn't feel like it sometimes!

Often what's missing is a clear sense of care, connection and opportunity for growth. Through personal experience on either side of the feedback equation, and hundreds of coaching conversations with my clients about this topic, I have gathered together some tips for giving feedback that is clear, compassionate and effective.

Let me be clear, it still might not be a gift that feels good at the time. It might sting a little to have a weakness or growth area called out. But, IF it is delivered by someone who we believe cares about our growth and wellbeing, AND is given in a way that allows us to hear the opportunity for growth without feeling attacked, misunderstood or defensive, it will ultimately have a net positive outcome.

Whether you are a manager or a team member, or any human being interacting with other human beings, giving feedback is essential to fostering growth, building trust and connection, and ensuring that everyone is working together.

Here are some tips to ensure your feedback is constructive and impactful:

Make sure feedback is specific and actionable

Even when giving positive feedback, simply saying "good job" or "you need to do better in your presentations" doesn't help the other person know what to change. The more specific you are about the situation, the behavior, and the impact you observed, the more likely it will be received the way you intend it.

Tips:

• Avoid vague statements. Focus on specific behaviors or outcomes and explain clearly what needs improvement.

• Example: Instead of saying, "You need to communicate better," say, "During the last meeting, it would have helped if you had summarized key points before moving to the next topic. This will help ensure everyone is aligned."

  
  

Use a framework like "SBI" (Situation-Behavior-Impact) to prepare and deliver the feedback

• Situation: Describe the context in which the behavior occurred.

• Behavior: Focus on the observable actions, (not on your interpretation of the person’s intentions or character).

• Impact: Objectively explain the impact of the behavior on the team or project.

  
  

• Example: "In yesterday’s meeting (Situation), you interrupted several team members (Behavior). This made it harder for others to share their input, which could affect team collaboration (Impact)."

Balance Positive and Constructive Feedback

• Start with positive feedback to recognize what the person is doing well. Then, address areas for improvement.

• Use the "sandwich method" carefully (positive-constructive-positive), but ensure the constructive feedback doesn’t get lost.

• Example: "Your project updates have been thorough, which helps everyone stay informed. However, it would be helpful if you could present more concise summaries in meetings so we can manage time better."

Be Timely

• Provide feedback close to when the behavior occurred. Don’t wait for formal review cycles. Timely feedback allows for quicker course correction.

• Avoid giving feedback in the heat of the moment, especially if emotions are high. Take time to ensure you're calm and can be objective.

  
  

Focus on Growth, Not Criticism

• Approach feedback from a place of support, aiming to help the person grow and succeed.

• Frame it as an opportunity for development rather than focusing on shortcomings.

• Example: "I see great potential in your leadership skills, and I think working on delegation could help you take your impact to the next level."

  
  

Use "I" Statements

• Speak from your own perspective, rather than making accusatory statements. This softens the feedback and makes it less personal.

• Example: "I noticed that when the deadlines were missed, it caused a delay in other deliverables. How can I support you to ensure these are met?"

  
  

Encourage Two-Way Communication

• Feedback should be a dialogue, not a monologue. Ask for the person’s perspective on the situation and invite them to share their thoughts.

• Example: "What do you think might help you improve in this area? Do you feel there are any obstacles preventing you from succeeding?"

  
  

Focus on Behavior, Not Personality

• Avoid making feedback about someone’s character or personality. Concentrate on behaviors that can be changed or improved.

• Example: Instead of saying, "You’re too disorganized," try, "I’ve noticed you have missed the agreed upon project deadlines twice over the past month. How can we improve the planning process to ensure you stay on track?"

  
  

Follow Up & Provide Accountability Support

• After giving feedback, check in periodically to see how the person is progressing. Offer further guidance or support if needed. This reinforces that you are invested in their growth.

• Example: "I wanted to follow up on the feedback we discussed last week. How have things been going with your time management? Do you need any help?"

  
  

Show Empathy and Be Supportive

• Show understanding of the challenges the individual might be facing, and position yourself as an ally in helping them overcome those challenges.

• Example: "I understand you’ve had a lot on your plate recently, and that may have contributed to the missed deadlines. Let’s find a way to manage workload more effectively."

Ask them what they think is working well, and what could be improved

• Chances are, they already know how they are performing. Asking them to start shows respect, as well as gives you a sense of their awareness of the issue already.

• You can add your perspective once they have shared their thoughts.

And last but NEVER least, over-index on positive feedback so that constructive criticism is not the ONLY feedback they get.

My clients and trainees are tired of hearing me say this... but to build trust, connection and care, find regular opportunities to acknowledge what your team members are doing well, both individually and collectively.

Whether we're talking about direct reports, team-mates, children or spouses, the same thing is true: What you appreciate, appreciates!

In other words, positive reinforcement of the specific behavior you want to see more of will encourage growth in that direction more than negative.

Final Thoughts

It can feel scary to give feedback - and vulnerable to receive it. Remember, as long as your positive intention is clear to the other person, you don't have to get it perfect. Like any other skill, it takes practice.

SUMMARY

Keys to giving feedback that lands how you want it to...

1. Be clear on your own intention in giving the feedback

   1. Is it necessary?

   2. What outcome are you seeking?

2. Communicate your positive intention in giving the feedback

   1. How do hope the feedback will help them?

3. Ensure that you are also giving plenty of specific positive feedback regularly

4. Be specific about the Situation, Behavior and the Impact

5. Be specific and clear about what you would like them to do differently and why

6. Check in with them on how it landed, and their perspective on the situation. Be genuinely curious and open.

7. Align on a specific action or next steps

8. Thank them for receiving the feedback and acknowledge a strength or positive behavior you have seen in them to close the conversation and reinforce your belief in them.